


Stillpoint

by Tasceri



Series: Extended Universe [17]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Roxas is Ventus (Kingdom Hearts), Terra is dead(ish), Xion is dead (also ish)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-12 04:22:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20157571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tasceri/pseuds/Tasceri
Summary: Seeking distraction from the looming Keyblade War and his grief for his lost friends, Ventus returns to the friends he never had in Twilight Town.





	Stillpoint

**Author's Note:**

> (Yes, I am posting a Christmas themed fanfiction in August. In my defence I started writing it last christmas, it really did just take me that long to finish it.)

Ventus had spent enough time at the den with the other teenagers now that he was beginning to forget which memories belonged to this reality and which ones had been part of his false life. His existence in the data Twilight Town seemed so real that even now he caught himself remembering idle chatter with his friends that had never happened, tales of harmless pranks Hayner had conjured up in the long, dull classroom hours that filled their days, stupid childish dares they had wasted their afternoons and weekends goading each other into, even school assignments that Ventus had never, could never, be given.  
  
Feeling reality and fiction blur, he tended to remain quiet and cautious, a passive observer, afraid of letting slip something he shouldn't have known or recalling something that didn't happen. He supposed that the others tolerated his presence: he was no threat to Hayner's delicate ego, his mysterious appearance and lack of connection to anyone in town piqued Pence's curiosity, and he was beginning to think that Olette was developing some kind of maternal affection for him.  
  
It was late autumn, the few remaining leaves on the trees the colour of the sky, and the weekends were a welcome escape from the drudgery of schoolwork. Or, for Ventus, the weight of loneliness hanging around his neck in Radiant Garden. The gang's current mission was to earn enough money by Christmas time to buy presents and have enough left over to deck the den with appropriate festive cheer, which meant frequent visits to the noticeboard in town looking for odd jobs. Ventus remembered this so well it ached.  
  
He wondered what they'd think if he told them he'd done this with them the summer before, but the money had been stolen, because his captor refused to extend his prison out to the beach they had so desperately wanted to visit.  
  
He wondered what Aqua would think if he told her he kept finding himself drawn back to the echo of a past life that had never happened. She would probably blame herself.  
  
She blamed herself for so much. Ventus loved her - Ventus would always love her - but it wore him down. He oscillated between wanting to return to the past and wanting to forget it. Ironic, that twice he had been uprooted from his memories, and had longed to reclaim them - and now he held them in his shaking hands and wished he could return to ignorance.  
  
Munny wasn't in abundance in Radiant Garden - what the Keyblade bearers reclaimed from Heartless usually ended up invested in the world's reconstruction or the upkeep of the half-hollow castle they took residence in. But Ventus had cobbled together a handful of coins for a visit to a place he remembered from another life, where Christmas decorations were so plentiful the inhabitants practically gave them away. He didn't tell Aqua about this excursion, just like he didn't tell her about his trips to Twilight Town.  
  
It was mid afternoon, but the town was still basked in an ember glow from the ever-low sun. Ventus wondered if it was really sunset, if the sun never rose, at least not further than a few degrees above the horizon.  
  
That was the kind of question Roxas would have asked, back when he still thought Axel was the bastion of all knowledge. Axel probably would have told him it was a stupid question.  
  
But Axel wasn't here now, and Ventus never had to look at the clock tower again, let alone share it with one friend who was dead to him and another who was just... dead.  
  
Could someone die if they had never really lived, at least not more than an empty half-life in the prison of a heavy leather coat?  
  
He hurried through the streets from the station, his satchel full to bursting with fairy lights and baubles. There had been more audacious decorations on offer, but Ventus didn't want to overdo things. Who knew how many other friends like him the gang had, hangers-on who showed up now and again to make believe that they belonged somewhere?  
  
As he had hoped, all three of them were at the den when he arrived, chatting about something. Hayner was waving his arms around, animated, passionate, probably wrong. Olette was laughing at him. Definitely wrong. Ventus watched them for a moment, wondering where he'd be in that tableaux if he'd just been a normal boy, not a Keyblade bearer, not a puppet, not-  
  
He stopped himself. He had been down that rabbit hole too many times already. He forced himself to push aside the tatty red curtain across the den's entrance, announcing his presence.  
  
"Ventus, hey!" Olette was up on her feet, giving Ventus a hug. Hayner slapped him on the back. Pence waved, scooting over to give him room to sit on the upturned crate.  
  
"It's been a while," said Hayner, tossing him a soda. "You had a good week?"  
  
"The usual." Long silences. Vicious nightmares. The weight of his Keyblade in his hand, the only thing that distracted him, but also the first thing to push him back. Ventus held up his satchel. "I ran a few errands around the neighbourhood. Here."  
  
What did it matter whether these kids decorated their hang out with Ventus' gifts? Why did he so desperately want to see their eyes light up at the gaudy ornaments, laying out the baubles and unravelling the tinsel, gesturing to each other, so excited by such a small thing; why did he need this childish innocence so much?  
  
"Don't you have presents to get?" Olette asked as Pence freed up a socket on the extension cable running from his bedroom window above the den.  
  
"Nah, we don't really do presents in my family." He'd get something for Aqua, maybe. They'd never really celebrated Christmas, and it seemed foolish to start now. How would he explain himself? Nostalgia for the time he and Xion had tramped through that snowy village of lights, eyes lit up with wonder everyone told them they couldn't feel?  
  
"That seems sad," said Hayner. He was groping around in the toolbox for nails and a hammer. He and Olette were responsible for most of the construction that went on in the den - a continuous process, since their materials weren't great quality and their skills were even poorer. At least in this life. Ventus remembered balancing precariously on milk crates to pin up old posters salvaged from pinboards in town, spreadeagling on the ramshackle roof to fix a leak with scraps of tarpaulin, Hayner calling out from below and Pence passing him nails from his bedroom. He'd had a knack for bolting together cannibalised pallets into objects that almost resembled furniture. The false memories ached in the back of his mind as Hayner clambered up to hang the first string of tinsel.  
  
"Well, you know, there's nothing we really need." Nothing money could buy, at least. "Did you get that necklace for your Mom yet?"  
  
Hayner laughed. "Yeah, it's in the secret box." He gestured vaguely to where a plastic crate was hidden in among the debris of the den. "I showed it to Mama so she doesn't get the same one. She looked pretty bummed out. I figure I got in there before her."  
  
"Parents are so hard to buy for," Pence lamented. He plugged in the lights, filling the den with their warm, multicoloured glow. "I asked my Dad what he wanted and he just said socks. I can't give my Dad socks for Christmas!"  
  
"Why not, if that's what he wants?" Hayner asked.  
  
"Well, you know, I wanna show that I care. Anyway, it's not like I have to get presents for anyone else.... 'cept maybe you guys. Maybe."  
  
They all laughed. Ventus smiled a little. Terra would make jokes like that. Jokes that Aqua and Ventus weren't anything special to him. But the warmth in his eyes always betrayed him.  
  
Ventus remembered the Superior and shuddered. The air seemed to cool perceptibly.  
  
"What about you, Olette? I bet you've already got all your presents." Out of the four of them, Olette was always the organised one. In some ways, she reminded Ventus of Aqua: responsible, motherly, prone to being condescending when the boys were being particularly stupid. What was it about girls that made them like that? Being around boys, probably. Xion had never been condescending, but then, the others didn't seem to think she was even human enough to be a girl, even though she said she felt like one. Should have been enough.  
  
"Not all. I still need to get that toy car for my sister, but I'll probably pick it up after school tomorrow."  
  
Roxas asked Axel once what it meant to be a girl, not understanding why the elder members referred to Xion as "it", not knowing then that she was a puppet. Axel said how Xion felt was the important thing, which was probably one of the few things Axel said that ever proved to be true.  
  
"You'll still help us with the rest of our jobs though, right?" Hayner whined. "I mean, we could still do with more decorations. I'm sure we could fit more decorations. Ventus, where did you get all of this?"  
  
Not that Xion's feelings had mattered to _them_, when she got in the way of their precious Kingdom Hearts. Realising that Hayner was addressing him, Ventus quickly swallowed down the lump in his throat and pushed thoughts of his dead best friend aside.  
  
"Uh, I know a place where it's cheap," he shrugged, only after speaking realising that would probably seem suspicious. Would they even notice? Would they suspect him of lying about where he'd bought Christmas decorations?  
  
One of the things Ventus missed the most was trust. In his oldest life, he had trusted his Master. He had trusted Aqua and Terra so utterly. He had trusted Axel and Xion. He had trusted Axel so much, too much, and Axel had-  
  
"How much did it cost?" Pence asked. He was holding the lights for Olette as she set up nails to hang them around the den. "We can chip in. Seriously, you're not round here much, it should be on us."  
  
"Well, you know, you're my friends. Think of it as a Christmas present." Saying that word out loud seemed strange, presumptuous. Ventus didn't belong here: he couldn't belong here. How could he equate himself to the bond these teenagers had shared for most of their lives?  
  
"Aw, thanks Ventus. You're our friend too."  
  
Ventus watched them decorate the den, Hayner struggling with the tinsel, Pence passing baubles up to Olette to hang on the nails. He smiled at the jokes they made. Then Pence turned to him suddenly and said, "You have friends in your hometown, right? That you hang out with when you're not here. What are they like?" Ventus didn't know if there was a challenge in his question, or if he was just imagining it. The first person who came to mind was Xion. But she was gone. There was Aqua, but she was family. He didn't hang around the kids from Destiny Islands much, especially with Vanitas trailing Riku at all hours of the day.  
  
Riku who had tried to obliterate him, for the crime of existing while his best friend slept. Vanitas, his monstrous other half, those feral yellow eyes haunting his nightmares. At least Vanitas had the sense to keep his distance.  
  
He said carefully, knowing that there was no statement that wouldn't be bland compared to the depth of his emotions, "There's Aqua. I live with her. We're really close. She's like my sister, I guess. We look after each other, especially after..." He looked around at the den, the childish innocence of it, the trappings of teenagerhood, simple desires and simple worries, and felt as if he were muddying a pool with his grief. "Well, we lost someone we cared about a lot."  
  
He thought, say something else. Move on. Tell them about Sora, it wouldn't be a lie, Sora's friends with everyone. But before he could brush aside his ugly words Pence, who happened to be nearest, wrapped his arms around him.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said, softly. Hayner touched his arm.  
  
Before he realised he was speaking, Ventus was saying: "His name was Terra. We were best friends. He was so strong and I always looked up to him. But then... he.... it was a long time ago," a lifetime, in fact- "But it doesn't feel like it. It feels like I just lost him yesterday." He was crying, tears bubbling from his eyes, his throat closing up. Olette passed him a tissue and he blew his nose noisily.  
  
"That's really hard," said Hayner, sitting down next to him. There wasn't room on the crate for all four of them, so Olette crouched in front of him, the tissue box in her hands, gently stroking his knee.  
  
"My mom left a long time ago too," said Pence, "But I still miss her. Me and Dad both do."  
  
"The worst thing was," continued Ventus, not sure of how intelligible his voice was but needing to speak, needing to pull these emotions into the open, needing the catharsis, "I was so mad at him. We fought just before... I was angry at him for treating me like a kid. I thought he didn't trust me. But he was trying to protect me... He loved me so much and I was so mad at him and then he was gone."  
  
That was the least of it. Gone, replaced by a man with Terra's face who would go on to destroy so many lives, with Terra's body, Terra's hands. When Aqua had given her existence to save him. Stolen by a man Terra had trusted, he had been so _stupid_ to trust, but he was too proud to listen to Aqua. They were all too proud to _listen_, and Xehanort had torn them from each other like the wings from a butterfly, and even though Ventus and Aqua had returned they were not the same, they would _never_ be the same, and they would never fly.  
  
But.  
  
Somehow the hardest part was that Terra's last memories of Ventus had been his anger.  
  
The argument would stretch on forever. He could never close that chapter, heal the rawness of the wound. He could never reassure Terra just how much he loved him, just how insignificant their argument was.  
  
The kids didn't say much. Quiet words. More tissues, a drink of water. The fairy lights twinkled around them, shimmering in the tinsel and off the gaudy baubles. Ventus didn't say anything for a while. He thought about all the things he wanted to say to Terra. He thought about how much he missed him.  
  
He cried until at last the well of tears inside him seemed to dry up, and then he remembered Xion, Xion who in spite of everything they had done to her had been Roxas' truest friend, and he started crying all over again. He used up all the tissues and Pence had to run up to his place to get more. Olette sat next to him and rubbed his back while he coughed up seemingly endless lungfuls of snot. Hayner said, "It's better to let it out." Coming back through the red drape Pence said, "Thanks for trusting us enough to tell us. It means a lot." Olette said, "I know you don't like to talk about where you're from, and you don't have to, but if you want to you know where to find us."  
  
Maybe Ventus had cried away all his inhibitions with his tears because he blurted out suddenly, "I knew you guys once. Not…not in real life." He hadn't told even Aqua about the digital Twilight Town. He didn't know how to point to her successor and say, there was another lie, another life, that he helped steal from me. Aqua needed to believe that Master Riku, for all the darkness in his heart, was fundamentally good. And Axel…Lea…Ventus hadn't spoken to him since he woke up, and he planned to keep things that way.  
  
Saying it out loud made him feel stupid, like his imprisonment in that digital world had been a fever dream. He told them about the Twilight Town that wasn't real, the summer that never happened, the friendship that never was. They watched him silently, three pairs of eyes which were too familiar to bear, and he found himself stumbling over his words. "It sounds totally crazy," he finished lamely.  
  
Hayner stroked his chin thoughtfully, scrutinising Ventus like he was a particularly challenging math question. Finally he burped out: "_Roxas_?" and the others looked at him in surprise and recognition and Ventus felt an awful shudder seize his spine at the sound of _that_ name.  
  
He managed to force the words out, but only just. "Y-yeah. They called me that." It wasn't ever his name. Just a label slapped onto the hollow shell of himself after they tore out all the parts of him that made him _him_.  
  
…He wondered suddenly if that was what it had felt like for Vanitas too.  
  
Hayner was dragging his hands through his hair. "How do I know that name?" he asked. "You guys remember it too. But we never met you- I mean, the real versions of us never met you. That's _messed up_. I told you something weird was going on in this town."  
  
Olette was saying something, Pence chiming in too, but Ventus wasn't listening. All this time he'd been thinking nobody could possibly understand what it was like to have their personhood ripped away, to be stripped down to nothing and forced to play out the script of some destiny they never chose, never wanted, never deserved.  
  
"Ventus?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, uh, sorry. What were you saying?"  
  
"If you don't wanna talk about it we understand," said Pence. "But we're here if you do. And even if we're not the versions of us you knew, we're your friends now." He glanced at Hayner and Olette for confirmation; they nodded in tandem.  
  
Ventus nodded. "Thanks. I... that really means a lot." He wiped his face on his shirt collar again, hoping his eyes weren't too puffy. He had never been able to fool Aqua or Terra when he'd been crying. And he cried a lot in those early days, not even knowing why, no reason for the _ache_ in his heart. He hated that so much. Now he wished he didn't know what lay behind the sadness. Ignorance really was bliss.  
  
"And, you know, if you ever wanna tell us where you're _really_ from-" started Hayner, at least until Olette punched his arm. "Hey! I'm just asking. He doesn't have to answer if he doesn't wanna."  
  
"To be honest, I don't really know where I'm from any more," Ventus admitted. "It's been… it's been a weird couple of years."  
  
"No kidding," said Hayner. He spotted a stray bauble in Ventus' bag and held it up triumphantly. "There's gotta be a place for this. Man, the den looks so great now. And it's all thanks to you, Ventus." Ventus silently thanked him for changing the subject. He was ready to move on.  
  
"It's nothing, really. I'm glad you guys like it."  
  
"Like it? We _love_ it, Ventus." Olette patted Ventus on the shoulder, lightly enough that she probably didn't notice him stiffen. "The den's never looked this good." She pulled out her camera and started lining it up for a picture. Ventus swallowed a lump in his throat, remembering the Dusks infiltrating the data Twilight Town, taking everything that resembled Roxas. Not that evading their capture had proved to be any better for him.  
  
"Are you gonna have another chance to come over before Christmas?" Pence asked. "We should all go out for a festive pizza together."  
  
"Yeah, I think I can find the time," said Ventus like he did anything other than mope around in Radiant Garden trying to avoid Aqua's concerned gaze. Not that he didn't appreciate her worry - Darkness, she was the only stable point in his crumbling mess of lives - but sometimes the weight of everything he couldn't say was just too much. "Maybe next weekend?"  
  
Olette tapped her mouth with a finger in thought. "We're all free on Saturday. As long as you've finished getting all your Christmas presents, Hayner."  
  
"I will be!"  
  
His indignation made Olette and Pence laugh. Ventus found himself smiling at the trio as they slipped back into that easy, carefree banter. The fairy lights twinkled pleasantly, glinting off the tinsel and baubles. Radiant Garden could use some of that festive cheer: he would probably only have to mention Christmas in passing to Sora to guarantee that the whole town would be smothered with decorations. He would get Aqua a present to distract her for a moment from the spectre of Xehanort and his army. Maybe something small for Vanitas too. After all, he was… kind of family, in a way. If Hayner's siblings had taught him anything, it was that being family didn't necessarily mean you had to _like_ them.  
  
"I think I'll do Christmas with my family this year," he announced. "I think we've earned a holiday."  
  
"Now we're talking!" said Hayner. "Everyone deserves Christmas." He looked around the den. "Are you gonna have enough to get presents and more decorations? We can chip in with all this stuff. Seriously."  
  
"I'll be fine. But thanks." Ventus scratched the back of his neck, realised what he was doing, dropped his hand like he'd been stung. "Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys."  
  
"Aww, Ventus, you don't have to thank us." Olette was pulling soda out of the cooler and passing them around. "You know, what you said, it kind of makes sense. It feels like we've been friends way longer than we've known you. You want grape or blackcurrant?"  
  
"Uh, grape please." Ventus held the can away from his body to pop the seal, almost avoiding spilling bubbles on his fingers. The warmth of Twilight Town seemed unseasonable for Christmas, but at least it wasn't hot enough for ice cream. Ventus didn't think he could stomach that salty sweet taste on his tongue ever again. He felt the peace, the familiar comfort of being with friends. He wondered what this trio could withstand and still remain friends. Would they fracture and splinter like Ventus' found family had under the pressure of Xehanort's manipulation? Hayner's temper would get the best of him under the slightest strain. Pence - like Ventus - insecure, always chasing after the others, doubting his place in the group. Afraid of being _left behind_. Olette too controlling, too dismissive, too headstrong.  
  
Friendship was nothing. Ventus loved Aqua and Terra _so much_ and that love had been powerless. Worse than powerless - it had been the very thing that tore them apart. Loneliness should have been safe. So why was it so unbearable?  
  
Eventually Pence got called in for dinner and Hayner headed off to pick his sister up from volleyball practice. After they had gone Olette cleaned up around Ventus, binning an empty can here, folding a crumpled tarp there. She caught his eye once and smiled, but didn't say anything, just letting him sit quietly in that space so full of history and love. Then finally she sat down next to him and said, "You're not the first person to show up in town like this. I mean, we get people moving here from the outlying districts all the time… but you're from somewhere else. A couple months ago we had these monsters show up - I was about to say that sounds crazy, but it's probably not crazy for you, is it?"  
  
Despite himself - despite everything he had learned, Ventus shook his head. "They show up in a lot of places."  
  
"You're one of _them_, aren't you?" asked Olette. "The ones who fight those monsters, I mean."  
  
Ventus closed his eyes and saw flecks of red in the darkness, the Unversed's uncanny movements, the way they seemed to glitch in and out of focus, never still, never quite _real_. He felt the slight give in the grip of his keyblade under his palm. The way it never moved like a weapon in his hands. An extension of himself. That's how Terra had described it. As much a part of him as his own arms. Or Vanitas.  
  
"Yeah, I guess," he said blandly.  
  
Olette leaned back against the wall, making the palette they were sitting on creak. "What I don't understand is why you'd care about hanging out with losers like us. I mean, I get that you were friends with us. In the data world. But like… we're just kids."  
  
_The Key of Destiny_.  
  
Ventus chewed at the inside of his mouth, testing the flesh to its breaking point. They were just kids. Just kids. He had been so many things, lived so many lives, and in all that time he had never been _just a kid_.  
  
"Things are pretty messed up right now," he said, which was an understatement. "Sometimes I just wanna pretend to be normal for a while, you know?"  
  
"You can always be normal with us, Ventus," said Olette. Then a laugh bubbled out of her. She shook her head, covering her mouth, trying to compose herself. "Sorry. I'm not laughing at you."  
  
Ventus realised a smile had settled on his lips. "It's okay. It's stupid, I know."  
  
"No, I totally understand. I mean - I'm not saying I understand what you're going through. But..." She tucked her hair back behind her ears, looked up at the tarp covering the den. "I'm gonna be the first person in my family to go college. It's a pretty big deal. You know, for our family. And it's what I want! I want to get a degree and get a job doing something I'm passionate about. And I really wanna make my family proud. But sometimes that responsibility is a lot to handle. Some days I wake up and I just..." She laughed again, a laugh Ventus hadn't heard from her before. Less self-conscious. "I just feel like I'm about to snap, you know? Like there's nothing physically stopping me from just going feral and living out in the woods. All I'm held down by is these bonds I have to other people. But they're so strong."  
  
"Yeah, I can relate to that," agreed Ventus. "So much has happened to me in the last couple years, it feels like… like I'm all history. It's like, do you ever have a restless night and wake up so tangled in your sheets you can't get out?"  
  
"Man! It's exactly like that!"  
  
"I know what I've gotta do," Ventus continued, "And I _want_ to fight. I want to protect people. But… yeah, sometimes it's a lot to handle."  
  
"Well, you can always take a break from all that destiny with us."  
  
"Thanks. Seriously - thanks." Ventus checked the time on his gummiphone. "I should probably head home." He had been dreading returning to Radiant Garden all afternoon, but somehow now it felt just a bit more bearable.  
  
"See you next week?"  
  
"For Christmas pizza. Yeah. I'll be there."  
  
As they reached the turning to her street, Olette pulled Ventus into a hug. It felt easy, comfortable. Like real friendship.  
  
"You take care of yourself, okay?"  
  
"You too."  
  
She turned back to wave once as she jogged down the road, then she was gone. The sun was skirting the horizon like a delicate balancing act. Soon it would set for the brief few hours of night this town would experience. Then those strange dawn hours, people awake but the shops and offices closed, the tram busying early risers around town. The clang of the clock tower echoing across town. Ventus let the pedestrians pass by him, snatching fragments of conversation. He felt grounded. He felt _real_. 


End file.
